Dear best dude friend,
You’re in the friendzone. You always have been and will most likely always be. The reason you are there isn’t because you’re ugly/undateable/terrible human being. Actually you’re the opposite. You’re so kind and compassionate and understanding. You don’t pretend to care about things you don’t. You put me in place when I’m freaking out. You’re always there for me. And that’s why you’re in the friend zone, because that’s what we both hae always wanted.
So I have to say that your stolen glances and you watching me admiringly while I sprawl like a troll when we watch interesting movies, and your hinting references. They suck. Cut that shit out. It feels like I’m getting hit on by my not attractive cousin…the one with no tact for life and has a hitler mustache. Like I may awkwardly laugh when you make references about us dating but it seriously is the most awkward silence I have ever had to fill. It’s so awkward that its actually infuriating.
It’s so freaking infuriating because you’ve been there through the high and the terrible lows. I cried in your car for 3 freaking hours before. My basement is like your second home. Wev gotten in fights that end with me screaming “at least I have a personality outside a textbook you asshole.” And slamming a car door… You were also the one who convinced me to text him first. To move on. To stop fucking pitying myself and grow a pair. You’ve literally saved me from getting in trouble with the law a few times too… Dude you’re my dude best friend and I’m your chick best friend. Cut the shit and remember that we’ve been each others person for 4 years and that’s not changing.
With sometimes hateful love,
I’m usually not one to openly gush but today was honestly one of the best days of my life. Yet somehow I feel like something was missing
I hadn’t seen him or more than 2 weeks because of my trip to the Grand Canyon and research work. (Pictures coming soon of Road Trip 2013). I missed our 6 month and his birthday so today was going to be one gigantic celebration date/day. He picked me up at 9 and we cuddled in a park, went for a long walk, had a picnic, went to see “Now you See Me” and then cuddled some more followed by a delicious dinner at my favorite Osaka Grill, followed by more cuddling and attempted star gazing. It was a perfect day. And every time I would look up at him he would smile at me and kiss my forehead and make me laugh. I’m thoroughly in love and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Yet today I felt something that really bothers me. I felt reservation. I have never felt reserved around him, not once. I was the one that sat down and introduced myself to him. I was the one who got to know him and at times had to show him what a relationship should be. I was never the one with fears. Yet I feel fear. I felt the fear of not knowing what the reservations were and why I had them. I love him more than anything, and after thinking about that more I realized that the fear is exactly that. Letting go. Taking faith in people. Truly. Falling.
It’s like the inner weather beaten heart is attempting to hold on to just one last reservation in attempt to deter me from truly giving of myself. It holds me back with the threat of all lose, of desolation, emptiness. Feelings not new to me.
However through my “faith” if that’s what you can call it and my experience, I’ve learned that fear is the fodder for a life I don’t want. Fear of the unknown and past experience is the soul of a monster I don’t want to feed. So instead Im going to cut the supply of fear to the cancerous tumors attempting to take a hold in my heart and instead, hunt fear through the courage of my mind. Instead of being the prey, I will focus on making myself into the predator of fear by loving it. Loving the feeling that makes us run is the only too solace from ones inner demons, and for me, giving him what is rightfully his. My whole heart.